Indigo

December 2, 2022

I was on the brink of a breakdown. My job, my future – blurry and scary. Everyday I woke up finding myself trembling with fear. I was forcing myself to live a decent life, when in fact I was drowning in uncertainties and anxiety. I was not sleeping, always trying to make my brain work, and always failing.

I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Is it depression? Am I losing my mind? It felt as though my brain was deteriorating, that my whole body was giving up. I was a sinking ship in the middle of the night, in the middle of sea. No light to guide me to my grave. No sunshine to witness my downfall. I knew I needed rescuing, but I didn’t know what for. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I was better off alone. But I was not better at all.

I was getting worse.

It was horrible. I felt horrible. I felt ugly, defeated. I couldn’t love myself the way I did before. Everything about me was changing and I couldn’t keep up. I was becoming someone I couldn’t recognize – and this, this was where I thought of accepting defeat. Life felt like a game I was losing, that I was bound to lose.

It was a normal robotic day at work when Namjoon released Indigo. I was excited for new music, of course, especially one that was coming from an artist that I love. I remember listening to Wildflower first – watching the music video along with it. I normally don’t turn on subs on the first listen, but I found myself tearing up while hearing words I didn’t yet understand.

It was an awakening. It felt like my skin and bones were being cracked to unleash my lost soul. Wildflower was seeing right through me, digging holes to find me, the real me, underneath all the mess and panic attacks and darkness. My heart was a broken glass being patched to make whole again, and it was liberating. I was crying the entire time. Finally, someone heard me. Finally, someone saw me, someone was coming for me, reaching their hand toward me, to help me search for the person I loved and lost.

I finally understood what I was going through, because someone was also going through it. Namjoon baring his heart and soul into Wildflower, into Indigo, made me acknowledge that I was indeed broken, burned out, exhausted and unmotivated, dreamless, and that it’s okay. We’re only human. We go through tides. But that is the beauty of life, of being alive.

Listening to the whole album for the first time was a ride. After No. 2, breathing had never felt so easy. No. 2 carried me through the end of the wave. The line “no looking back” encouraged me to close a chapter in my life that I was holding onto senselessly. And that’s how I came to be where I am now – a place where healing is the priority, where I put importance into getting to know myself again, understand myself more. Where I protect my peace and put myself first.

I am still recovering from burn out. It’s a long ride, I know. But I also know that the journey will be worthwhile. Indigo brought me back to my bases and led me to beautiful places in my mind again. I will never not be amazed at Namjoon for being brave enough to bare his soul to us through his music, and will eternally be grateful to him for putting out such a masterpiece.

Indigo has touched me in a way that’s life-changing. Indigo, you will always and forever have a piece of my broken heart.

Thank you, Namjoon, for a piece of yours.